


Deals

by Subtle_Shenanigans



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Anatomy, Basically Zim makes a deal, Blood, Dark Humor, Destructive Tendencies, Dissection, Don’t copy to another site, Exiled!Zim, Gen, Gore, I am so sorry, Irkins, Lure, Made up Aliens - Freeform, Mild Gore, No Romance, Non cannon - Freeform, Post-Enter the Florpus, ZADE, ZADF, Zim is now aware of his exile, and Dib gets to do science, based off of Tumblr headcanon, but here’s an early maybe, chill!Zim and Dib, headcanons, hunting themes, if you’re sensetive to blood don’t read, know if imma do Goretober this year, look I dont, mildly disturbing content, no beta we die like men, really ooc, semi-canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2020-10-11 20:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20552045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Subtle_Shenanigans/pseuds/Subtle_Shenanigans
Summary: Zim’s too destructive to just. . .give up and live life on Earth. And Dib is too hellbent on proving the paranormal true. So.They come to a compromise.Operation: Impending Chaos AU Part #1





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Look I didn’t expect to get sucked back into Invader Zim like this. But the idea won’t leave me alone.
> 
> Basically, Zim finds out that he’s actually been exiled after a call from the Tallest. He moped for a long time, and under some circumstances tells Dib. They become frenemies since Zim still can’t help but be destructive. Eventually he makes a deal with Dib: if Dib stops trying to capture him, he’ll help lure/capture other alien species for Dib and let him dissect them/use them to prove aliens. But, he can’t talk about the Irkins or Zim; as upset as Zim is it’s hard-wired into him that he can’t betray his people.
> 
> That’s the basis at least; putting it here since I don’t know how much background I’ll be adding as I go.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy?

He’s almost elbow-deep, dark burgundy spattered across the medical gloves.

“Too bad we couldn’t keep him awake,” Dib mutters, “he could have told us what these were called.”

Zim grunts, something like, _you think?_ Because they both know by now that ‘awake’ means ‘alive’.

The Skålrt on the table - a soft, humanoid creature shorter than Zim and covered in fur - of course has no input. Its rabbit ears, all four of them, trail down as the eyes gaze up sightlessly.

It used to bother both of them. Now it was just a nuisance.

Dib glances up as Zim pulls down the anatomy chart they’ve set up - it’s got the basic organs of a Human and an Irk written in their perspective languages; Dib thinks that what he has ahold of _might_ be intestine. Maybe.

His eyes rove to the Irkin letters, and he takes a moment slowly to read it. He’s not fluent, not yet, but he does think that this is the Skålrt’s digestive tract since it looks similar enough to the Irkin one.

“Can you get me one of the jars? I think I’m done for today.”

“Get it yourself, Dib-filth,” Zim snips back. They’re both over-tired after fighting the Skålrt when it got loose earlier. 

Dib shows his bloody gloves and sends him a curse for good measure; it’s nowhere near as fluid as Zim makes it sound, but Dib’s _certain_ he got the tone down right.

Zim gapes at him a moment, and then bursts out laughing, loudly. “_That_? That was your best attempt?”

Dib fights off a smile, focusing on his irritation. “Hey! It’s not like you speak English perfectly! And you get to download all your language in your PAK! I have to learn the hard way.” _Never mind that my throat literally isn’t made to make those noises_, he thinks.

“ ‘I, Dib-idiot-whiny-worm, has to learn everything the hard way!’ “ He mocks, while going to get the jar. “Please, you’re just not as great as _Zim_!”

“Says the alien who still mixes up his first-and-third person.”

“_I heard that!_”

Dib let’s loose a wry smile.

It was . . .odd, for sure. They had hated each other for so long, tried to even kill one another. But now? They could pass their relationship off as, well, friends. They still bullied one another, and slung insults, and occasionally got into a destructive battle of wits, but it wasn’t anywhere near what it once was. Their mutual respect had come to the forefront, and their disdain had been shoved aside.

It wasn’t all that surprising, Dib supposed; the Swollen Eyeball had eradicated ‘Agent Mothman’ from the organization, and Zim had been abandoned. Both considered a danger to their respective ‘bosses’. Without either of them having their purpose, their drive to destroy one another had simply. . .faded.

Zim still wanted to cause chaos, of course, and Dib certainly would prove the world wrong - you couldn’t tear away what had been hard-wired into their cores. 

But, their objectives had changed, and with it, they found middle ground.

Hence the body on the table that Dib had been digging into for the last several hours.

The jar - one of the containment units that kept the bodies they obtained fresh - clinked as Gir pulled it off of the hoverer, humming a little ditty. Zim gazed down at the body, clacking his claws on the table.

“Well? Findings?”

Zim was unusually pensive, but Dib didn’t press. 

“Just what you already told me; it’s digestive tract was weird, probably because of how it needs to process. It definitely had organs for processing whatever gas is in its home planets atmosphere, and it looked like two organs to pump its blood. Nothing too complex beyond that though.”

Zim, of course, knew all of this as he had been watching the entire time. Dib knew that Zim had been itching to dig in for himself, but the Irkin respected that the dissection was _Dib’s_ \- it was part of their deal.

Irkins and their weird territorial-possessive-whatever.

“Hmm, mmmnmmm,” Zim nodded, humming; his antennae bouncing. 

Dib started to drag the body off of the table and into the jar - it was surprisingly heavy. “Okay, what now?”

“What, what now?”

There was a dull _thunk_ as it fell into the jar. “You’re being weird, like, quiet-weird. That usually means something is on your mind, or that I need to be ready for another rodent mishap.”

Zim’s antennae shot up indignantly, as he pointed accusatory. “_You **lie**_! I - the rats were not _meee_; Zim was framed!!!” He dragged out words and syllables, so Dib knew that he was lying blatantly.

He gave him his best, ‘cut-the-bullcrap-now’ look.

Zim wilted and the finger dropped. Dib smirked; _gottem_. “I, in my superior intelligence, have been contemplating, er. . .”

The Irkin started squishing two fingers together nervously. He shuffled from side to side. Muttered something.

Dib blinked rapidly. “What? Look, you gotta speak up.”

“I, The Great and mighty Zim, have decided that you, Dib-stink, can join me on my next capture mission!” Zim finally burst out, hands on his hips and nodding approvingly at himself.

“Whoa, for real!” Dib darted forward, intending to grab his arms, but Zim hopped back with a screech about the filthy gloves. “Aw man, this’ll be so, so,” Dib sounds around with stars in his eyes, “_so COOL!_”

“Yes, yes, Dib-stink. Very cool,” Zim brushed himself off although Dib hadn’t even touched him. “Now, dispose of your _filthy, rotten gloves _\- I need to go over the plans and rules. And then!” Zim’s grin was sharp zipper-links.

Dib grinned back just as dangerously.

“Then, we catch ourselves an alien,” Dib finished for him.


	2. Capture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!! Sorry it’s been a bit. I’ve been yanked back and forth through a lot of fandoms recently (Hollow Knight in particular has gripped me by the throat.) But I’m trying to finish anything with set chapters and I’m up to this again!!
> 
> Hope y’all enjoy!!
> 
> WARNING: Blood/gore mention

The Voot cruiser, though minimal by Irken standards, was still a quick little ship. Dib and Zim has spent five months tinkering and upgrading it (with help from Gaz, though none would admit it), so that it was in much better condition than before.

Road trips, of course, were still aggravating.

“Would you KNOCK IT OFF!”

Dib groaned as Gir went through another rendition of ‘Row Row Row Your Boat.’ For the thirtieth time, actually. The fourteen-year-old was ready to disassemble the SIR unit. It was a marvel Zim managed to keep his patience.

Although. . .by the twitch of his antennae, it wouldn’t be for much longer.

Fortunately, the planet came into sight. 

It wasn't much of a planet - more a, planetoid? It was remote and small, a hurtling rock that swirled around lazily, one side covered in long grass almost as tall as the few trees remaining on it. It was like some great monster had scooped out a forest from a planet and thrown it away.

It was also where their target was; _Ekk'luh_, a horned species tall and graceful with four eyes (five if it was the alpha).

Dib had to pry himself from the glass and tune back in as Zim grumbled, ". . . and that's why we must be stealthy, Dib-stink. STEALTHY! Understand?"

"Yep," he leaned back nonchalantly. "Like you said forty times before; they have superior vision, etc. Don't let the deer-people see you."

"They are NOT deer-people," Zim sneered, "they are Ekk'luh! And Zim will not be gored because of our foolishness."

"Then why even bring me along."

"Because they are too heavy; and I will need help with the corpse."

"Oh."

They parked the Voot on the underside of the planetoid; Zim even tying Gir to the chair with a toddler leash for good measure. The Robot giggled as he tried to pull against it, only to be consequently yanked back into place. It was all good fun to the SIR unit.

Irkin helmets activated, they climbed over the grassy crag, and weaved into the grass. They weren't foolish enough to think it would be easy, so they took every precaution they could.

It didn't take long to spot one; it was cool, almost minty colored, and blended in with the grass. With six legs it easily arched up, lifting the first two, and stretching a dark purple tongue to take the seeds out of the top of the grass (on closer inspection the large blades curled in and rose up like tubes; the top open, with the faintest bit of yellow peaking out.)

Their hooves were like deer hooves Dib had seen before. Although the antlers were something else. Graceful, twisting like curled bark, dark reddish-brown. They were thin, angling out and out like branches.

Then Dib caught sight of the thin, heavy tail, barbed at the end with something akin to porcupine quills. _This _was the danger, for they were long as Dib's forearm and thick as his pinky finger, made to spear and stab potential predators. 

Zim grabbed his arms with his thin clawed hand, looking at him hard. With a tilt of his head, Dib nodded, and after a moment of hard staring, Zim scuttled silently into the grass.

It barely waved, as though hit by a breeze.

Dib readied his blaster - a gift from Zim, that they had both torn apart and gutted like all previous experiments, hashing it back together into a horrendous amalgamation, nothing like its previous self. It shot near-silent, blueish white beans (no, really; they were shaped like beans. It was weird.) The whine it made when it powered up was _low_ compared to the human hearing range, rather than high.

Which is what most creatures reacted to.

With a flick it was on. He scooted closer and waited with baited breath.

The Ekk'luh suddenly turned, ears swiveling, and oh _beans_ those were five eyes abort abort-!

Zim burst from the foliage silent and terrifying, eyes alight and pack legs gleaming, rushing down to stab and cut. The creature bellowed, swiveling in almost a cat-like fashion, maw opening as it hissed and showed sharp teeth.

Dib's body reacted before he could think; a rush and steady stream of shots, all aimed at the neck. When it turned towards the new threat (the middle, fifth eye bleeding where Zim had gouged it), he tilted his blaster down, and took shots at the paler chest.

It rushed towards Dib, tail lifted high in preparation to slam down on the offending human, when it stopped suddenly, one of Zim's pack legs shoved through the neck all the way through the throat.

Zim himself had claws dug into one of the few trees. "Hurry, Dib! Take the kill!"

It was beginning to buck and bray, which came out more like a hissing scream; even though it was dying slowly, it was still prepared to fight.

Dib aimed, squared his shoulders, and shot it in the heart.

Zim finally let go of the tree, wavering as he fell to the ground. He wearily flicked the blood off of his Pak legs before retracting him. "Well, Dib-stink. How do you feel about your first kill?"

Dib had collapsed where he stood. "Honestly?" He gazed at the body, remembered the exhilaration of the fight. He thought he would feel bad, maybe hesitant. But. . . he wasn't. Maybe it was because it wasn't a sentient creature. Maybe it was the morbid curiosity.

(_<strike>Maybe he shared his Irkin ally's blood thirsty hunting instinct</strike>_.)

Or maybe it was the scientist in him: willing to find answers no matter the cost.

Either way, he felt himself matching Zim's grin.

"Like I wouldn't mind doing this again."

"But, uh," he glanced back towards their trophy. "How are we going to transport it back?"

Zim shrugged. "We carry it. What else."

"Zim! That thing is like six-hundred pounds!!"

"So? With two of us it should be easy! I can usually lift three-hundred-thirty-nine pounds." Zim crowed, pushing out his chest proudly.

"I can barely lift a eighty!'

"WHAT! You, you - WEAK! Zim knew you were weaker than an Irkin but - how do you even propel your weak meat body???"

"I'm only a hundred and thirty pounds!"

"With THAT head?!?!?"

With that, they got to dragging their prey, bickering all the way.

Man, their friendship was weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look this kid was ready to vivisection a sentient being, I can totally see him having fun with hunting.


End file.
